Me and Eternity

Discipleship.

2011-02-01T23:14:00.000-08:00

I've realized I am probably the very worst blogger ever. I feel I have very little to say that is of much interest to anyone besides myself and rarely post anything new. However, it is nice to write out one's musings and ideas and I've got a lot on my mind. So I'll attempt to resume regular posting.

I've noticed that life seems to have a funny way of rarely turning out the way you expect. For example, this time last year I was in India in the middle of church conferences, attempting to keep a handful of children at attention long enough to teach them Bible lessons, hiking in the Himalayas, and planning a youth retreat. I presumed that, in a year's time, I would be back in school, hard at work in earning my degree and working as full-time as possible because that sounded great and seemed like the logical next step. A year has now passed since then and I am working very part-time earning minimum at a Bath & Body Works (which is an enjoyable job fyi, I do like it), looking for another job, once again taking time off from classes because I can't afford to pay for them, and living in a community house with 6 other disciples, hoping that by this time next year, I will have some more of an idea what I'm going to do when I grow up. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I've come to realize that no matter where I am or what I'm doing, God's plan is perfect and sovereign, therefore I can't be in the wrong place. Not only that but I am daily blessed by my family here at the dComm (discipleship community). Being in a home where being intentional about building community, growing in knowledge of the Lord, and serving others is the goal has been a great and humbling experience. I am being continually stretched to think outside of me, to put God and others before myself. It's not easy. My human nature is often tripping me up, reminding me of how tired or busy or distracted or grumpy I am. Reminding me that I could be putting my money toward getting ahead in my education. Or that I could be just hanging out with my other friends or my family, getting to decide how I want to spend my time. And yet I, as a follower of Christ, am called to do His will each and every day. Not just when it's safe, or easy, or comfortable, or fun, especially not just when it seems to make the most sense. Because really, none of this is about me, or what I think I need or want. It's about knowing and giving glory to God. I desire to be like Paul and "count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord". And yet it's hard because I know this means daily surrendering my desire to think first of myself and my selfishness and pride. I fail at this constantly but by God's grace He still calls me to come closer and know Him better. This overwhelms me with feelings of gratitude and humility. The Maker of the universe not only saved me from death but He wants me to know Him! What truth could be more amazing than this? And this amazing truth is why I am where I am. No, it doesn't always make sense to me and yes, many times I have to force myself to get up and go serve and keep up with my readings and sometimes I want to do my own thing and not put time into building relationships with my housemates because my sinful nature wants to put myself and my comfort first. But is it worth it if I do? Is it worth it if I lose hours of sleep after a long day to support grieving housemates? Or not get to go hang out or do something fun to serve dinner and chat with a West Tulsan who hasn't any family nearby? Or don't get to accomplish everything on my to-do list to stay caught up on my Bible reading? I pray for the ability to say yes in every situation. For the ability to consider everything except knowing and glorifying Christ as a loss. Because unless I do, nothing else will truly be satisfying.

I have lived for 2 decades.

2010-06-21T19:14:00.000-07:00

Exactly a week ago I celebrated my 20th birthday. It wasn't a very grand affair, it rained all day long and I only celebrate with a family dinner but it was nice nonetheless.

These days I've been reviving my love for art, mainly painting and photography. I find painting, especially when paired with good music and tea, is incredibly therapeutic. I recently finished a painting for my sister Stacy for her birthday and am pretty pleased with the results. Recently I had the honor of taking senior pictures for my sister and 3 of her friends. I had so much fun doing it and had great models. I would love to take some photography classes and improve my skills in it because I just enjoy it so much.

Here are some samplings of my pictures:

And here are a couple of my paintings. It just so happens that the only ones I have pictures of are both of the sea and a red umbrella ;)

Sigur Rós

2010-06-04T14:21:00.000-07:00

To me it will always bring memories of summertime and free spirits...

...running along train tracks in a deserted downtown...

...dancing wildly through the park at twilight with the muffled tunes blasting from a tiny speaker...windows down instead of AC to preserve gas...sunrises over the bridge...sunsets on a long road...heartbreaks....

How can so much inspiration come from a band whose Icelandic lyrics I can't even understand? Their music reflects all of my emotions and speaks to me in the same way as when two friends sit together, gathering past memories and speaking of future dreams.

"Changes come, turn my world around..."

2010-06-01T11:12:00.000-07:00

So I realize that I have failed miserably at this whole blog thing. I had had every intention of writing regularly while I was in India but, for lack of time and steady access to good internet connection, that didn't happen at all.

I've been back in the US of A for a good 2 months now, trying to pick up where I left off with work, school, relationships, and just life in general I guess. It is amazing how a mere 5 and a half months out of the country can really change things. I suppose that for people here it doesn't seem like things are different now that I'm back. For myself though, I miss everyone there and at the same time am having to reconnect here and fall back into step with life in Tulsa. Thankfully it's not the first time I'm experiencing this so I knew what to expect, but it's still hard sometimes.

Life here is having to be redefined for me and therefore I have many decisions to make. First is about school. I am going back to school and have decided to major in social work. While I was in India, I realized how much of a passion I have for people and counseling. So in the fall I will be back at TCC and, Lord willing, transfer to ORU next year. I am not very delighted at the prospect of being at TCC for another year but I have to do what I can afford as I haven't had time to apply for scholarships at ORU for this year. but now that I have a focus and vision I feel like I will be able to endure it.

The second decision I have to make is about living. Being away from my parents and living on my own was a great experience and I feel like I really started to grow in independence and responsibility. Therefore I feel that continuing to live on my own will be more conducive to continued growth. I was offered the opportunity recently to join a discipleship community house with The Burgh, a church lead by some old family friends. This consists of a group of people doing ministry and life together and at the same time ministering to each other. I am so very excited for this opportunity, I think the Lord will really teach me a lot about Himself, and ministry, and just relating with other people.

Of course school and living requires funds so I am also having to think about working. At the moment I am working at Cafe Fusion, the coffee shop owned by Believer's Church. It is a wonderful environment to work and I get to drink lots of coffee but unfortunately the cafe will soon be closing due to the church's inability to continue funding it. This is quite disappointing but it seems the Lord is reminding me again that His thoughts are not like mine and He is working things for the better. So at present I am filling out applications and asking God to provide for me the job He wants me to have.

In other news, there are some very nice changes, the main one being that I am talking to a rather lovely young man I worked with and got to know quite well in Dehra Dun. I'm terribly fond of him and we are just taking this time to get to know each other better (over the phone) and praying about where God wants us to take our relationship. I never thought I would be in a long-distance relationship but hey, surprises can be very fun and I am enjoying his presence in my life and looking forward to seeing how our story plays out.

Well I hadn't intended this post to be quite so long but as it's been a while I guess I had a lot to write out. Anyhow, I will wrap this up and get back to work like I should.

Be still my soul, the Lord is on Thy side.

2009-07-16T23:25:00.000-07:00

So it's been quite a while since I've blogged. The last weeks have been so full and I have been enjoying them so much.
June 14th I celebrated my birthday. I wasn't very excited to turn 19. Such a boring age. But I've decided that this year will definitely not be boring. I feel like I have many changes and adventures in store for the next year. It's just hard to believe that this time next year I'll be 20. Crazy.
Also in June I completed a 2 week training in adult literacy and ESL(English as a Second Language) through Literacy and Evangelism International. I'm now equipped to teach adults to read and speak English. I'm excited to have a tool I can use whether I am ministering overseas or even just working here in the States.
The last month has seen me learning lessons on God's provision. My store has not been getting fantastic business so we are having to cut back on hours so I am getting scheduled less and shorter hours. On top of that, because of the training, I had to take two full weeks off. So needless to say, money has not been abounding in my pocket this summer. Naturally, that was worring me a lot with having to pay phone bills, car insurance, gas, plus I have been really needing a laptop and the fees for the training were $330. Well, in the midst of worrying about all this, a friend of mine's dad informed me that he felt God wanted him to buy me a laptop as a sign that He is providing for me. Amazing or what? Then, not long after that I was worrying again about how I was going to pay LEI for the training. The next day, they e-mail me, telling me that they had recieved enough scholarship money to cover my fees entirely.
So now I am sitting here typing this on my brand new, Dell laptop and have no doubt that God is good. I really feel that He has been showing me in this last month that He is in control and is working His plans for me. I just need to learn not to worry so much.

Anyways, I should be off to bed. I have a full weekend ahead of me.
Grace and Peace.

Love wins.

2009-06-04T23:17:00.000-07:00

This song has never meant more to me than it does now. Tonight I have learned the power of love and communication. That nothing can be solved without understanding the other person and being willing to see one's own faults. I've learned that true Christ-like love never gives up, but bears all things.
Healing in a relationship can begin when we realize that we love each other enough to do whatever it takes to restore it.
My heart is full, but no longer with the anger, guilt, and bitterness that the Devil has been building up between me and one of my dearest friends. The door has been open to healing. I have been set free.

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

Midnight.

2009-04-20T22:06:00.000-07:00

I really love Beirut. A whole, whole lot. Simply fantastic.

Headaches that you wake up with and that last all day are no fun at all.

If you are not feeling well, Sour Patch Kids and mocha coconut chillers over ice with whipped cream will help.

I have a lot to do. I thought I would get most of it done today but didn't. Lame.

There's nothing I want more right now than to be sitting and fellowshipping with friends.

Writing letters to people is harder than it seems.

Summer should hurry and get here.

I should be in bed.

Goodnight.

"I Still Care for You"

2009-04-07T10:26:00.001-07:00

This crazy spring is driving me nuts. I am so ready for warm weather. Nevertheless I am excited that it is Holy Week. I can't wait to spend Easter with the family. I just hope it's warm!

So my big news of the day is: I've decided to spend part of next semester in India! I'll go over there with my dad sometime in September and stay for a month at the least, hopefully a couple. I don't have more details than that but we'll be making plans in the next few weeks. I'll need to start working on a support letter and decide if I want to attend the Literacy Training to get geared up for it this summer.

I have been listening to this song very much today. Ray Lamontagne is a genius. His voice is so stirring and the lyrics are just amazing. I advise anyone to check out his stuff. I love his Trouble and Gossip in the Grain albums.

Well that is all for today, I have to clean and do laundry before going to class. I hope everyone is having a wonderful Holy Week!

More thoughts from the farm.

2009-03-19T19:50:00.000-07:00

I'm at the end of another long, relaxing day on the farm. This one has been particularly enjoyable. I slept in a little bit and then enjoyed breakfast with my sisters. I then enjoyed a nice walk down to the creek with my sisters, mom, and cousin Kyle. It was a leisurely walk and the weather was just so nice and sunny. After lunch the aunts took Stacy and Taylor to the airport to see them off and I enjoyed a nice time of just chatting and sipping tea with Emily and Kyle. It's always great to have time to reconnect with family members. Emily and I also spent some moments soaking up the last of the sunshine out on the deck. Dinner was a rather small affair as most of the people who've been here throughout the week are gone now so it was just a few of us with various leftovers from the week's meals. After dinner the sisters and Kyle and I discussed various social and theological topics and connecting shared interests. It was fun to think that the four of us have gone from just a short time ago when we would have been in the woods playing orcs and elves to now sitting and discussing real, important issues. We are growing up yet we still feel so small thinking on such subjects. They are so vast and go far beyond our little knowledge. These are issues that great people have been discussing for generations. We all agreed that we will never really know the answers to these questions. It's just almost difficult to think of how far God's thoughts are above our own. Anyways, these are jsut the thoughts bouncing around in my head after our time of discussion. It was cut short becasue the rest of the family wanted to watch Chariots of Fire which I hadn't seen since I was pretty little. It is quite an inspiring movie. most have gone to bed now and I am sitting writing this while Kyle plays a tune on the guitar and Emily is reading beside me. Tomorrow is our last full day here and I am beginning to think I have had sufficient rest here and will be ready to pack up and get back to normal life. Well that's all for now I'm ready to read a bit and then head to bed.

Chai and Indian anthems.

2009-03-15T18:54:00.000-07:00

Well I am up in Herminie, Pennsylvania. We left around 5 pm Friday and arrived here at around 10 last night. Long trip but not too bad actually. It's such fun just hanging out with my aunts and uncles, cousins, and grandparents. So far the time has consisted of numerous cups of chai, church this morning, soup for lunch, a nice walk all around the farm, feeding swans, a big curry dinner to celebrate my grandparents 68th anniversary, me and others entertaining with various musical pieces, and to top it all off: a dance party. I love my family. It is just too much fun around here. I am definitely missing my friends but it feels really good to get away. Lately I've just been so tired of my routine of classes and work so it's just nice to break out of my schedule and move at a slower pace. My dad and aunts and uncles have so many stories from their childhood that always come out when we're all together. It is wonderful to hear bits and pieces of their past. They are all such entertaining stories. Tomorrow my sister and brother and their families will be coming in and I'm excited to have them here as well. It has been a long and eventful day and I am ready to go to bed. Goodnight.

New blogger.

2009-03-05T12:42:00.000-08:00

Yup, this is my first time to blog. I'm pretty excited. The only thing similar to this I've done was Xanga back in my early high school days. Hopefully this will be cooler than that was.
Today the weather is absolutely beautiful. I am so excited for spring and warm weather everyday. I'm not much of a cold weather person. I always get so anxious at this time of year for it to be spring.
In about a week I will be getting in my family's big old van to drive up to Pennsylvania for spring break. My dad's family all lives up there on a big farm and I am excited to see loved ones up there and spend time with my family as well as get away from school and work.
I have a class in just a few so I'd better be finishing getting ready for that.