I've realized I am probably the very worst blogger ever. I feel I have very little to say that is of much interest to anyone besides myself and rarely post anything new. However, it is nice to write out one's musings and ideas and I've got a lot on my mind. So I'll attempt to resume regular posting.
I've noticed that life seems to have a funny way of rarely turning out the way you expect. For example, this time last year I was in India in the middle of church conferences, attempting to keep a handful of children at attention long enough to teach them Bible lessons, hiking in the Himalayas, and planning a youth retreat. I presumed that, in a year's time, I would be back in school, hard at work in earning my degree and working as full-time as possible because that sounded great and seemed like the logical next step. A year has now passed since then and I am working very part-time earning minimum at a Bath & Body Works (which is an enjoyable job fyi, I do like it), looking for another job, once again taking time off from classes because I can't afford to pay for them, and living in a community house with 6 other disciples, hoping that by this time next year, I will have some more of an idea what I'm going to do when I grow up. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I've come to realize that no matter where I am or what I'm doing, God's plan is perfect and sovereign, therefore I can't be in the wrong place. Not only that but I am daily blessed by my family here at the dComm (discipleship community). Being in a home where being intentional about building community, growing in knowledge of the Lord, and serving others is the goal has been a great and humbling experience. I am being continually stretched to think outside of me, to put God and others before myself. It's not easy. My human nature is often tripping me up, reminding me of how tired or busy or distracted or grumpy I am. Reminding me that I could be putting my money toward getting ahead in my education. Or that I could be just hanging out with my other friends or my family, getting to decide how I want to spend my time. And yet I, as a follower of Christ, am called to do His will each and every day. Not just when it's safe, or easy, or comfortable, or fun, especially not just when it seems to make the most sense. Because really, none of this is about me, or what I think I need or want. It's about knowing and giving glory to God. I desire to be like Paul and "count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord". And yet it's hard because I know this means daily surrendering my desire to think first of myself and my selfishness and pride. I fail at this constantly but by God's grace He still calls me to come closer and know Him better. This overwhelms me with feelings of gratitude and humility. The Maker of the universe not only saved me from death but He wants me to know Him! What truth could be more amazing than this? And this amazing truth is why I am where I am. No, it doesn't always make sense to me and yes, many times I have to force myself to get up and go serve and keep up with my readings and sometimes I want to do my own thing and not put time into building relationships with my housemates because my sinful nature wants to put myself and my comfort first. But is it worth it if I do? Is it worth it if I lose hours of sleep after a long day to support grieving housemates? Or not get to go hang out or do something fun to serve dinner and chat with a West Tulsan who hasn't any family nearby? Or don't get to accomplish everything on my to-do list to stay caught up on my Bible reading? I pray for the ability to say yes in every situation. For the ability to consider everything except knowing and glorifying Christ as a loss. Because unless I do, nothing else will truly be satisfying.
